Thursday, August 14, 2014

Another Mushy Post (This time about my summer)

My summer has been the most amazing summer and the worst.  I've had some fantastic times creating a lifetime of new memories w/new friends, old friends, and experiences.  I've also had two car accidents and topped it off with a sprained ankle leaving me on crutches and in a cast for the rest of my summer.

It started off with my boyfriend and I calling it quits after two years of creating a life together.  I didn't want to leave the house I called home, his kids who I loved from the start and only loved them more as time when on.  I didn't want to leave a man I considered my rock and my shelter.  I didn't want any of that.  I liked that life.  I wanted that life.  I left anyway.  It was only partly by choice.  It broke my heart.

 I chose to try to make the best of this summer and I have.  I've volunteered at a yoga festival, participated at flow festival, purchased a new (to me) car, driven a Dodge Charger as rental after that new car was involved in an accident two weeks after purchasing it, foraged, eaten wild harvested black trumpets (deliciousness), I've spent inordinate amounts of time with my son at the beach, and I've lived my life fully.

Then there were the not so great things.  I hit a deer at night which resulted in me having to get a new car.  That new car was damaged two weeks after.  My shiny new car being towed off to a garage was not something I wanted to see.

I sprained my ankle at the flow festival.  Badly.  My ankle popped.  I heard it give out as I landed and crumpled to the ground, but when I looked up through the haze of pain, I saw these beautiful caring face surrounding me, asking me if I was ok, taking action.  One person placed my head on her lap and stroked my hair as I tried not to cry, another performed reiki, another raised my leg and placed ice on it, others ran to get what I needed, and still others cracked jokes and laughed with me to keep my mind off the pain coursing through me.  They gently packed me into a truck and sent me off to the ER.

There are so many other things I can say about that event and how much people showed up for me but the biggest thing I've learned and that I will cherish is how amazing other people can be.  How caring and thoughtful and just damn fantastic! I've seen so much beauty in others and the world that surrounds me this summer.  It's something I will take with me for the rest of my life.

To all those who have been a part of my life this summer, even just as bright shooting stars, here one second and gone the next, thank you for showing me your beauty and grace. I will forever hold it in my heart.

Oh!  I also learned how to crack a whip properly and I held fire in my hands.  I'm a BADASS!

p.s. I am no good at this mushy stuff so forgive me if I didn't come up with the right words to accurately convey how I feel.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Life here and now.

     So I was just thinking today how friggen awesome life is.  Not because it's New Years but because I'm just recovering from a cold.  I'm regaining my energy to run around w/the little knuckleheads that run my life ragged and I'm loving every second of the crazy that has been going on today.  The hysterical laughter. The almost accidents.  The dog barking and growling at me cause she things I'm playing too rough with her charges.  AHHHH... This is my life.  My happy little life.

     I don't always feel this happy.  Sometimes the insanity drives me nuts.  The constant bickering between the three boys makes me want to drive a screwdriver through my eye.  I get mad.  I yell.  I do things I'm not proud of.  When it all comes down to it though, I'm content. I love what my life is right now.  Yes it could be better but what couldn't be?  If everything was perfect all the time, you wouldn't have anything to work towards and how boring would that be?

     I have this boyfriend who smiles and tells me I'm a dork when I get crazy and goofy and dance like an idiot but behind the 'dork' comment is a deep down fondness.  I say fondness cause let's not get crazy here.  This man does not show feelings well.  He sucks at telling me he loves me; but let's be honest, words are hollow.  People say stuff they don't mean all the time.  This man.  He shows me.  He lets his actions do his talking. He even buys me Christmas gifts that are perfect and he doesn't even have to ask me what I want.  He just knows.  How infinitely more meaningful is that?  I'm not pointing out the gift part.  I'm pointing out that he knows what I want w/out me having to say a word.

This life that i'm leading may or may not last.  Life changes all the time and you adjust but the here and now is what is important and right now is amazing.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

A Little Christmas Love Sent to my Family (sappiness galore)

It's Christmas Eve and I find myself alone, baking cookies for Santa and wrapping presents, and I'm feeling melancholy and homesick.

I won't be going to my family's big Christmas gathering, the one we have every year, because I've moved 2 1/2 hours away and made the decision to stay here, with my boyfriend, for the Holidays.  While I love my boyfriend and I'm happy to share Christmas with him, my son, and his two kids, I'm missing my family.  They are only a little distance away from me and I'll be seeing them in a couple days but, right now, they feel a million miles from me.

So, I'm going to write my family a little love letter because I love them and miss them (even though I see them all the time).

Rodney - The little silly notes I would sneak into  your care packages when you were in college.  Do you remember those?  I was so proud of you and I missed you so much.  I'm still proud of you.  You made mistakes that I was so angry with you for because you were supposed to be the best of us.  You were the one that was supposed to do everything right.  I realize now how unfair that was.  To put you on a pedestal so high could bring no other outcome but to watch you fall from it.  You did fall but you picked yourself up.  I hated watching you go through what you went through but the end result was a wiser brother, a more thoughtful brother.  You are a better person for it and I love you for that. 

Jerry - You are a pain in my butt.  You know this and you THRIVE off of it. Lets just say, memories from our childhood paint in you in a dark color.  You were always the most creative in your ways of torturing me.  I have a sneaking suspicion you invented tire tag.  Being locked up in the dilapidated pitch-black garage for hours was fun too. I'm pretty sure there was a wild animal in there one of those times.  Thanks for that.  However, under all those layers and layers of obnoxiousness, you have a huge heart. While you may not show it with your words, you show it in your actions.  You are always willing to help out with anything.  You work hard even if you grumble a little bit about it.  You would never let anyone down who needed you.  Just as long as it  only involves heavy lifting and grunt work.  You're not exactly good with the touchy feely stuff but I know you care :P 

Josh - G.I. Joes and Barbies.  Pretty sure you were my only brother who would play nicely with his baby sister.  Of course, this had to be done when no one else was around.  God forbid anyone see you treat me like a human being ;)  You are my quiet, thoughtful brother.  You are the one that hugged me when I was at my lowest.  The one that saw me break down and cry.  You always knew when it was time to lay off me.  You were there for me when I was  heartbroken, lost, scared.   You were there to hug me and remind me of who I was.  You also love fantasy books, so, of course, you're my favorite.

Susie - Oh Susie, my best friend.  I can't count the times you have been there for me.  You have softened my heart in so many ways.  Even when you wanted to throw up your hands, yell at me that I'm an idiot, and be done with me, you still stuck by me.  You were my light in the darkness.  There are no words to describe how much your friendship has meant to me. Sometimes, I think I would be dead inside if it hadn't been for you shining that light. You are also my wine drinking buddy.  I miss those nights at my old apt when you would come over and we'd drink a bottle (or 2) and chat the night away exposing our deepest, darkest secrets.

Jennittia -  My soft hearted, gentle sister in law.  I've seen you be stronger than I ever thought possible.  When Wy was a baby, I modeled myself after you because you are such an amazing mother.  I still don't know how you do it.  I  only have one and I'm not even half the mother you are and you have 4!!  Which I think is nuts.

Rebecca - Who knew you'd be my deep thinking side kick?  Who knew you'd be on the other end of the phone when I was losing my mind?  Who else could have made my forlorn walk on a dark rainy night, with tearing rolling down my face, after my friends left me at a 'ahem' restaurant to go sleep together into comedic gold??  I still laugh at that and it was 2 years ago! 

Becca - I don't know you too well yet but you make Rodney happy and I'm grateful to you for that.

Mom - I would swear you are heaven sent.  I couldn't have asked for a better mother.  I often wonder how I got so lucky.  You are constantly second guessing yourself about how your raised us and  if you did right by us but the truth of it is you are the most perfect mother any one us could have asked for.  I don't think you realize how much you mean to each of us. 

Dad - I get so exasperated with you!!!  But you are my Dad and I'll always be your little girl.  I was always so lazy on our hikes that you would end up picking me up and piggybacking me :)  Oh how I had you wrapped around my little finger.  You could never say to no to me which made me kind of spoiled actually.  Ask the boys.  They will attest to this.  You still help me out when you can, even if I don't ask for it.  I can always count on you to be there for me.

My brother are going to have a field day with this... I probably shouldn't have even written it and I definitely shouldn't publish it but 'tis the season for to brace myself for the hail of laughter and sarcastic comments that are going to come from them....